Time to call a spade a spade. I've suspected my mother to be abusive for a long time, but I was never sure whether I was truly as awful as my parents told me, or if my mother was actually the one being a bitch to me.
Another part of me that didn't want to say this is that I hate being a victim. I hate the fact that someone like her is able to get a strong emotional reaction out of me. I hate that after all these years of building walls and damaging several relationships throughout the years, that this woman still has the ability to make me cry.
Third, nobody believes me. This is probably the worst part of the whole thing. I've always truly felt that me and my father never deserved the BS we've put up with my mother for years. But the terrible thing is, whenever I try to talk to someone about it, ALMOST EVERYONE does the exact same thing my mother does - tells me that I'm the one being terrible and that I shouldn't think of my mother that way.
I'm always the one who turns out to be a heartless monster. Like I've said before, I've built up so many walls that it's difficult for me to show empathy and really care at all anymore. This just further solidifies in people's heads that I'm being an ungrateful daughter. It's unbelievable. I'm sure that people in church have witnessed this. I remember Auntie Roxanne telling me she still doesn't understand why my father married my mother. Well, now that she's gone my mom can't retaliate against her in any way if she ever finds out that's how she felt.
I feel trapped. I know that I need to distance myself from her, and that there's no rationalizing with her, but at the same time I care about my brother and father. What a fucked up situation.
The question that always haunts me: would it have been better for my father to leave this abusive woman? Or divorce? What about for my brother with autism?
As an adult, I can now escape whenever I want. I'm financially independent and no longer need them. But what frustrates me more is that my dad is still there! Most of my friends probably grew up without a father there, but mine has always been there...to his own detriment. I can handle the toxic words being thrown at me, but it hurts when they're thrown at my father.
Then, I end up getting angry at him for never defending himself or me. Why didn't he ever defend ME at least? As a child, I didn't deserve to get dragged by my hair around the house for not wanting to practice the piano. Or getting locked out crying in the freezing snow for getting a negative report card comment. Or getting scalding hot oatmeal poured on me for not wanting to eat. Getting hangers and sticks broken on me for God knows what reason. Not to mention countless beatings that I can't even remember because they've been blocked out of my memory.
The physical part is not even the worst part. He heard my mother tell me I'm useless and spoiled and a bad child. Today he fucking told me that I'm "too sensitive" - the exact phrase my mom used on me whenever she'd say some fucked up thing to me and expect me to smile and be ok with it.
How is he so smart but so blind to all this? Can I just walk away from my mother - and him by association - and let him spiral into a spineless version of her?
This is why I can't maintain normal relationships and why I'm so damn walled off. People think I'm fun and funny but I'm just a sociopath that can't relate to people unless they're fucked up like me.
God, how can you help me out of this?
Oh, people have suggested forgiving. Ok, did that. Did it the 100 subsequent times she's been terrible. But somehow she finds a way to manipulate me. Things were going alright for a while, but lately she's been getting money from me. Maybe...$40,000 so far?
That's fine. I'm happy to help out with expenses & business ventures, if she didn't try to make it because it's like I fucking owe them something. I don't get a chance to be nice because she'll take from me before I'm even able to do that.
Case in point: My parents get all this government aid money to find someone to take care of my brother. My mom hired 3 people - 2 quit, and one was fired. She says it's "because people don't want to be with Justin because he runs and he's too much of a liability," or "young people only care about themselves and their own schedules." SO, she enlists one of her friends, my father, and me. Of course, all people around her she can control and manipulate.
I'm totally resistant at first because as the past has gone, if I'm under her she'd just find ways to control/manipulate me. I told her I'd take care of my brother for free - anytime she wants - I want her to use the money to find someone else to help. She starts with all this crap. "Family has the best interests in mind, no one else has the best interests." "Do you know how much we pay in taxes? We're just getting the money back" "Other siblings and parents do this as well - it's because the government can't manage the money well." Of course, I also get a berating of how selfish and how much I don't want to help the family and how unbelievably ungrateful I am. I know it's not true, but it gets to me, and of course I sign up because I want to help my brother.
So I'm an official on-the-books habilitator now, and I've logged a few hours. Today she tells me - "Christine, venmo me the money you're making with Justin so I can pay for all our expenses." I tell her that I knew she was just using me to get more money, and that I have no problem giving it to her but I knew it was about the money all this time. I'm not a fucking human money launderer for God's sakes... Of course she goes ape shit and starts non-stop telling me how I'm useless, all I do is make a mess, never clean, never help, I'm selfish, ungrateful, etc. She had the balls to call me a bully. HA - her and Trump would make quite the team.
She never intends to let go of control of my brother. She now uses him as a way of getting income. She wants my dad to retire 3 years early to be my brother's full-time caretaker so they can start getting double the medicare for my brother.
The other part that messes with me is - my dad ALWAYS agrees with her. ALWAYS. And I was telling my community group accountability person Dawoun about this, and she said it seemed like a smart thing for her to do. Am I the only one who sees this as a fucked up situation?
The reason I can't talk about all this is because it's honestly emotionally exhausting thinking about all this mindfuckery.
I don't know what the fuck to do. How can you do the right thing when you don't know what the right thing is? When you've been manipulated to be the "bad guy" all these years, is anything you do enough?
It sucks because no one understands. God understands, but he's completely invisible and metaphysical, which sort of doesn't help when you're feeling alone. The only people who really care are guys who are interested (of course) and even then..what's the point in telling them? I don't actually like any.
I'm exhausted from thinking about all this. I just feel so alone.
Friday, November 24, 2017
Saturday, March 18, 2017
What does it mean to be a woman in today's world?
It's 2017.
Lately, I feel like time has been going by a lot faster than ever before. I think it's because I'm getting older, and have so much more responsibility than before, and just so much to juggle that time just flies by.
Oddly though, even though I feel older, I'm not sure I know more or less than before. I feel like as a 25 year old turning 26, there's still so much in life that I am unsure of. Maybe this is good - since one should never stop learning, right? On the other hand though, I just...don't really know who I am anymore. Not that I'm sure I ever did know for sure.
I do know that people constantly change. That is the one thing I am sure of in life. (Unless you live in a hole somewhere and never experience anything, but even living in a hole would change you right?)
I'm a totally different person than I was 5 years ago, and the person I was 5 years ago was totally different than the me from 10 years ago, etc.
However, there are some principles that I think have always been a part of my core, no matter what phase I'm going through in life. For example, the fact that there is a God out there. Or the fact that it's better to be real and honest than to be a fake person. These are tenets and principles that I think define who I am as a person, and make me grounded and who I am as a person.
There's something lately though, that I've really been wanting to establish the answer to as I get older - What does it mean to be a woman in today's world?
It should be a simple question right? But no, in 2017 EVERYTHING is complicated and there is no straight or "right" answer for anything. In a world of feminism, and transgenderism, and gender fluidity, WHATEVER, it's a tough question. I think it's important though, because there are so many implications to this - at least for me - in helping to establish who I am as a woman, and what type of woman I want to be.
It's no secret that my relationship with my mother has been majorly fucked up and has majorly fucked me up. I mean, a lot of people I know have fucked up relationships with their mothers, but it was only until a few months ago I think that I realized that some people actually don't. I've also been realizing that all my life I've been attracting/attracted to friends with equally effed up family lives as me, but that's another topic.
So, not to hold grudges or be dramatic, but I'm pretty sure having your mom drag you outside the house by your hair and leaving you in the snow until you decide to be good or pouring scalding hot oatmeal all over you because you didn't feel like eating it, reading your diary about how you thought she thought she was queen of the world and then making you feel like crap for thinking that way, or throwing a fucking knife at you isn't normal. I'm pretty sure that stuff was all fine, but the emotional manipulation and being told you're basically terrible every day was probably worse.
I mean, this isn't normal, right? I've told a few people these things, and for some reason no one seemed phased by it at all. I mean, I don't expect pity or anything, but someone saying "damn that's fucked up" would at least acknowledge the fact that I'm not crazy for the fact that these things fucked me up. The thing that fucks me up the most, is that I remember clearly after getting a beating, she'd say she did those things out of love. And I remember people telling me my mom clearly loves me a lot since she did SO many things for me. I guess what they didn't know is that she'd use them as a guilt trip over me to make me do what she wanted.
On top of this, watching what my dad is turning into after being with her all these years...that REALLY fucks me up. He's a gifted speaker and I think has helped a lot of people. He's one of the most intelligent and best people I know. I mean, the man is really clueless and is very eccentric, and eats way too much unhealthy stuff for his own good. But man, to get put down and demeaned the way he is every single damn day and not want to leave, even with my mom talking about a fucking divorce for the past 15 years...
One of the things I love about my dad is that he's such a rock, and bases all his beliefs on God. But at the same time, he never fucking stood up for me when my mom was a bitch to me all these years, and never stood up for himself. To be honest though, I don't know what standing up for himself would look like without a divorce.
Even through all this shit though, I thought my mom had changed for the better over the past few years. But then last week, she literally tried manipulating me into signing up as my brother's aid so I could get paid from the government for just spending regular time with him/my family. Not to mention I lent her another fucking $25k for her stupid little real estate gig. I wouldn't mind except I trust her so little. If I get upset or show that I don't want to do something, she pulls the shit on me where she says she's done so much and given me soooooo much in my life and I'm an ungrateful wretch. Typical emotionally manipulative shit. I never asked for all the fucking lessons - I'm pretty sure those are things she wanted me to do so she could try to show me off somehow. Yet the stuff she says still gets me every single fucking time.
Whether I'm being too sensitive to all this or not, regardless it's fucked up my view on women. For most of my life, I've been kind of a hardass. Even though it was the last thing I wanted, I had taken on the habits of my mom: I've been a bipolar, angry, emotionally strung out crazy person, I've been manipulative, and I've been narcissistic and loved being the center of attention.
However, as known, this reallllly fucked up my relationship with my ex, someone I really actually cared about. I don't think he meant to, but he did me a favor by cutting off my crazy ass and breaking my heart. So after that and for the past few years I think, I've tried to become more "nice." I hate typing this, but I want to be the type of woman who can be a good Christian wifey. I try to smile, make more lady friends, stop running my mouth so much, being softer...I don't know if I'm successful at it, I'm pretty sure I'm still very cracked beneath the surface, but I'm trying.
And I thought it was working. Until the other day at the office, this female exec director basically unfairly criticizes me and remarks out loud "I don't know what you've been doing all this time" so the whole office can hear. My coworker attempts to comfort me by telling me "so Christine, you're really sweet and everything, but you have to know that ____ is used to being in the investment world with all the guys. Like, we can talk like that to each other, but we would never say something like that to you. I mean, you're not quiet, but you're more reserved, and she's just used to being like that." Or something along those lines that made me think, "seriously? You fucking serious?"
So I'm basically in a catch-22. A damned if I do, damned if I don't situation.
I mean, I'm proud that even though I felt like going full fury at work, I kept my cool. Seriously, thank you God, for that. However, I want people to take me seriously. I literally get talked over ALL the time. Maybe that means I should stop baking shit for the office, apologizing for when I think I sound rude, smiling and saying good morning. Maybe I should become a more serious person, even though I don't give two craps about the corporate world. Lord knows I'm smart enough for this job, but dealing with the egos is ridiculous for me.
I don't know how I'm supposed to act or what is even expected of me as a woman. And as obvious as it sounds, being a woman is a HUGE part of me. I feel like I don't know who I am nowadays.
After writing all this, maybe I just need to find out who the real me is. But what if the real me is just a product of a lot of fucked up experiences in life? The Christian answer is that the real me is someone who's loved by Jesus.
But I guess on days when I'm not feeling loved it's difficult.
I guess it's a product of me feeling very alone these days. I don't think I enjoy gabbing or am not a "nice" enough person to feel like I can develop deep, meaningful relationships with other Christian women. I feel like I can't relate to them, or have different perspective/interests a lot of times. For example, a big point of contention is I think is deep down inside I'm not a feminist, and I think women behave very differently from men, and if they wanted all the same things, they'd need to start behaving differently, which I don't know if it's a good thing.
At the same time, I don't know how I'm supposed to act around men anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone/be hurt again, so I'm not sure if I can be close friends with them anymore because feelings almost always inevitably develop, and I can't reciprocate. In the same vein, I still don't think I've met a man could see myself being with, and I don't know if I'm being enough of the "right type" of woman to attract someone like what I want.
I suppose the best answer that I can give to what being a woman means is wearing different faces and being it ALL. Being pretty, soft, happy and cheery, giving, supportive, strong, goal-oriented, boss, high-achieving.
Most of all though, I think being a woman means being able to take in a lot of shit and yet produce brilliant diamonds out of it all.
Lately, I feel like time has been going by a lot faster than ever before. I think it's because I'm getting older, and have so much more responsibility than before, and just so much to juggle that time just flies by.
Oddly though, even though I feel older, I'm not sure I know more or less than before. I feel like as a 25 year old turning 26, there's still so much in life that I am unsure of. Maybe this is good - since one should never stop learning, right? On the other hand though, I just...don't really know who I am anymore. Not that I'm sure I ever did know for sure.
I do know that people constantly change. That is the one thing I am sure of in life. (Unless you live in a hole somewhere and never experience anything, but even living in a hole would change you right?)
I'm a totally different person than I was 5 years ago, and the person I was 5 years ago was totally different than the me from 10 years ago, etc.
However, there are some principles that I think have always been a part of my core, no matter what phase I'm going through in life. For example, the fact that there is a God out there. Or the fact that it's better to be real and honest than to be a fake person. These are tenets and principles that I think define who I am as a person, and make me grounded and who I am as a person.
There's something lately though, that I've really been wanting to establish the answer to as I get older - What does it mean to be a woman in today's world?
It should be a simple question right? But no, in 2017 EVERYTHING is complicated and there is no straight or "right" answer for anything. In a world of feminism, and transgenderism, and gender fluidity, WHATEVER, it's a tough question. I think it's important though, because there are so many implications to this - at least for me - in helping to establish who I am as a woman, and what type of woman I want to be.
It's no secret that my relationship with my mother has been majorly fucked up and has majorly fucked me up. I mean, a lot of people I know have fucked up relationships with their mothers, but it was only until a few months ago I think that I realized that some people actually don't. I've also been realizing that all my life I've been attracting/attracted to friends with equally effed up family lives as me, but that's another topic.
So, not to hold grudges or be dramatic, but I'm pretty sure having your mom drag you outside the house by your hair and leaving you in the snow until you decide to be good or pouring scalding hot oatmeal all over you because you didn't feel like eating it, reading your diary about how you thought she thought she was queen of the world and then making you feel like crap for thinking that way, or throwing a fucking knife at you isn't normal. I'm pretty sure that stuff was all fine, but the emotional manipulation and being told you're basically terrible every day was probably worse.
I mean, this isn't normal, right? I've told a few people these things, and for some reason no one seemed phased by it at all. I mean, I don't expect pity or anything, but someone saying "damn that's fucked up" would at least acknowledge the fact that I'm not crazy for the fact that these things fucked me up. The thing that fucks me up the most, is that I remember clearly after getting a beating, she'd say she did those things out of love. And I remember people telling me my mom clearly loves me a lot since she did SO many things for me. I guess what they didn't know is that she'd use them as a guilt trip over me to make me do what she wanted.
On top of this, watching what my dad is turning into after being with her all these years...that REALLY fucks me up. He's a gifted speaker and I think has helped a lot of people. He's one of the most intelligent and best people I know. I mean, the man is really clueless and is very eccentric, and eats way too much unhealthy stuff for his own good. But man, to get put down and demeaned the way he is every single damn day and not want to leave, even with my mom talking about a fucking divorce for the past 15 years...
One of the things I love about my dad is that he's such a rock, and bases all his beliefs on God. But at the same time, he never fucking stood up for me when my mom was a bitch to me all these years, and never stood up for himself. To be honest though, I don't know what standing up for himself would look like without a divorce.
Even through all this shit though, I thought my mom had changed for the better over the past few years. But then last week, she literally tried manipulating me into signing up as my brother's aid so I could get paid from the government for just spending regular time with him/my family. Not to mention I lent her another fucking $25k for her stupid little real estate gig. I wouldn't mind except I trust her so little. If I get upset or show that I don't want to do something, she pulls the shit on me where she says she's done so much and given me soooooo much in my life and I'm an ungrateful wretch. Typical emotionally manipulative shit. I never asked for all the fucking lessons - I'm pretty sure those are things she wanted me to do so she could try to show me off somehow. Yet the stuff she says still gets me every single fucking time.
Whether I'm being too sensitive to all this or not, regardless it's fucked up my view on women. For most of my life, I've been kind of a hardass. Even though it was the last thing I wanted, I had taken on the habits of my mom: I've been a bipolar, angry, emotionally strung out crazy person, I've been manipulative, and I've been narcissistic and loved being the center of attention.
However, as known, this reallllly fucked up my relationship with my ex, someone I really actually cared about. I don't think he meant to, but he did me a favor by cutting off my crazy ass and breaking my heart. So after that and for the past few years I think, I've tried to become more "nice." I hate typing this, but I want to be the type of woman who can be a good Christian wifey. I try to smile, make more lady friends, stop running my mouth so much, being softer...I don't know if I'm successful at it, I'm pretty sure I'm still very cracked beneath the surface, but I'm trying.
And I thought it was working. Until the other day at the office, this female exec director basically unfairly criticizes me and remarks out loud "I don't know what you've been doing all this time" so the whole office can hear. My coworker attempts to comfort me by telling me "so Christine, you're really sweet and everything, but you have to know that ____ is used to being in the investment world with all the guys. Like, we can talk like that to each other, but we would never say something like that to you. I mean, you're not quiet, but you're more reserved, and she's just used to being like that." Or something along those lines that made me think, "seriously? You fucking serious?"
So I'm basically in a catch-22. A damned if I do, damned if I don't situation.
I mean, I'm proud that even though I felt like going full fury at work, I kept my cool. Seriously, thank you God, for that. However, I want people to take me seriously. I literally get talked over ALL the time. Maybe that means I should stop baking shit for the office, apologizing for when I think I sound rude, smiling and saying good morning. Maybe I should become a more serious person, even though I don't give two craps about the corporate world. Lord knows I'm smart enough for this job, but dealing with the egos is ridiculous for me.
I don't know how I'm supposed to act or what is even expected of me as a woman. And as obvious as it sounds, being a woman is a HUGE part of me. I feel like I don't know who I am nowadays.
After writing all this, maybe I just need to find out who the real me is. But what if the real me is just a product of a lot of fucked up experiences in life? The Christian answer is that the real me is someone who's loved by Jesus.
But I guess on days when I'm not feeling loved it's difficult.
I guess it's a product of me feeling very alone these days. I don't think I enjoy gabbing or am not a "nice" enough person to feel like I can develop deep, meaningful relationships with other Christian women. I feel like I can't relate to them, or have different perspective/interests a lot of times. For example, a big point of contention is I think is deep down inside I'm not a feminist, and I think women behave very differently from men, and if they wanted all the same things, they'd need to start behaving differently, which I don't know if it's a good thing.
At the same time, I don't know how I'm supposed to act around men anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone/be hurt again, so I'm not sure if I can be close friends with them anymore because feelings almost always inevitably develop, and I can't reciprocate. In the same vein, I still don't think I've met a man could see myself being with, and I don't know if I'm being enough of the "right type" of woman to attract someone like what I want.
I suppose the best answer that I can give to what being a woman means is wearing different faces and being it ALL. Being pretty, soft, happy and cheery, giving, supportive, strong, goal-oriented, boss, high-achieving.
Most of all though, I think being a woman means being able to take in a lot of shit and yet produce brilliant diamonds out of it all.
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
Lovesick
Funny, the times I feel like writing are only when I'm extremely sad, angry, or lovesick. Never when perfectly happy or content. Is this why writers and other artists are such tortured souls?
"Aww thanks. You're cute too"
Anyway, it's 2017. Another new year, another beginning. As usual, life is never boring. I just came back from South Africa, and got my new position at JP Morgan Chase. All great things that I feel very blessed and happy about. However, being myself, I'm most inspired by a feeling I don't think I've ever felt before, and the only word I can think of for it is lovesickness.
It's absolutely ridiculous. I feel ridiculous.
Here's the story: Christina Bae, my crazy college roommate whose wedding I went to in Korea last summer, came up to New York because she needed a break from her husband and just wanted to go dancing. I invite out a few girls, and Angie, my new roommate, suggests the Jane in Meatpacking.
OK, so we go to the Jane. Great place: huge space that looks like some sort of mashup of a 16th century living room and a rustic lodge. Fun, young crowd, good mix of music. My friends and I all look pretty, and we're going nuts just dancing and having a good time.
Like in most clubs, a guy asks me to dance with him. He seems cute and tall, with some sort of hot foreign accent, and I'm extremely single, so I agree. Well, turns out he's a horrible dancer so I try to break away. But as I do so, he asks me what I'm drinking. Of course, I'm an incredibly difficult and guarded person so this is how the convo goes down:
"Nothing...I'm not drinking anything."
"What?"
"Nothing. I'm not drinking tonight."
Somehow he convinces me to have a drink at his table. I notice that he's really cute. We have some awkward conversation - typical things, where are you from, what do you do, etc. I find out the accent is from Israel, and he's an e-commerce optimization entrepreneur. He travels, and went to the best school in Canada. He's been to Australia/Adelaide and says we should go together one day. Ha...
He keeps wanting to dance but is an honestly irredeemably bad dancer, so I break away to my friends. Throughout the night, he keeps asking me to dance. At one point, he starts throwing ice cubes at me to get my attention. I'm the type of gal who likes the playful persistence, and it makes me smile.
He brings me up to dance on the tables, and I'm not shy so I do so. He gives off vibes of extreme confidence, but at the same time is completely not smooth. From the bad dancing to saying the complete wrong things like "you might be the girl I marry"and just having not great English, and bumping into my forehead when trying to lean in to talk to me.
I go back to my friends so I can continue dancing by myself which is just more comfortable. He asks for my facebook, and I say:
"Facebook? Do people just skip the number part nowadays?"
"Facebook? Do people just skip the number part nowadays?"
"Oh, you want to take it slow? OK, what's your number?"
Well, wasn't sure what that was implying but...I gave the guy my number. He actually remembers my name, and I don't remember his. Oops. I'm reminded, and we dance a bit more, and he tells me I'm cute.
"Aww thanks. You're cute too"
"No but you're really cute"
"I know, ha"
I can't do the bad dancing anymore though, and am tired and still just really guarded in general so part ways with him.
This encounter spanned from about 1AM to 3AM. The more I think about him, the more I really like him.
I get a text around 4:30AM while I'm sleeping saying "Hey".
Sigh, REALLY? What's with guys just opening with a "Hey"??
That morning, I stalk him online. I'm...impressed to say the least. He really is cute, even not in the shroud of the darkness of the club. Impressive resume, and seems like an extremely worldly and rounded person.
I continue the texts. I really hate texting in general, but the vibes I get from the texts he sends I feel a bit like a booty call and he doesn't give me much to work off in terms of conversation. Two people who read the text agreed. And the final text he sent that I haven't responded to says that he doesn't exactly live in NY, and goes between here and Tel Aviv. So...the scale leans strongly towards him seeing me as a hookup. I'm very confused.
Lord knows why though, I get a SERIOUS case of the butterflies thinking about him. Haven't been able to sleep well either. I'm hoping he sends another text...just so I have an excuse to respond.
I think I'm feeling something I haven't felt before...which is strong admiration. This combined with the fact that he's confident, giving me attention, and obvious physical attraction, really makes a girl start thinking about the future...and that he'd be a great partner in crime. Call me crazy, but I feel like he's someone I could love, and this isn't including sex (even though when I was dancing with him it felt rather, um, large ;)) Maybe I'm getting older and more mature, but I haven't even fantasized about having sex with him but still really like him.
It really sucks thinking that he may not feel the same way about me. That it's only about wanting me for my hot body (lol). Funny how two people can be attracted to each other but on different levels and for different reasons.
Angie tells me that I could make that change...However, the fact that it is extremely unlikely that he's a Christian is really preventing me from being anything more than passive. This is obviously very important to me, but the whole topic is for another day...
My body has felt numb from heartbreak before, but this is different. I guess it's numb from wanting something really badly. Knowing your personality potentially really meshes with someone else's.
I know I'll be over this in about a week (hopefully), but I just wanted to capture this feeling in words before it fades. It's very intense, and I don't know if I've ever felt this way before. If I have though, it's very distant and I've forgotten. This feeling sucks, but at the same time nice to know I'm capable of feeling something like this.
For the past several years it's been about Jeff and thinking about the past. But this would knock him out of my mind completely. This would've been about the future, potential, and being excited to start things with a person I admire. It wouldn't be about the previous guys who try to fit into my world, but about me actually wanting to fit into and being a part of someone else's world.
But...he's probably not a Christian and probably likes me as a hookup. Sigh. The disappointment is real and I really hope I'm making the right moves doing this.
Honestly, this moment - combined with many other frustrating moments- is making me really doubt my beliefs. I'm a person who lives by guiding principles, and I believe that without principles one is just a spineless shell of a person. However, I'm not inflexible and believe that sometimes principles can be misinformed and once in a while can be changed.
I don't know anymore. I feel like I'm being tested. Maybe it was my fault for putting myself in this situation in the first place and I just shouldn't talk to non-Christian men anymore?!
All I'm saying is, I REALLY hope God has a good plan for me. Because there are many great non-Christian men out there who have been interested, and so far ZERO Christian men who have asked me out. Not even that, I don't even KNOW of any that are relationship quality. I've gone to a Christian college, go to church every Sunday, am trying to have an active church life, and so far, NOTHING. NADA. ZIP.
I feel like I'm following the "rules" - "do not be unequally yoked" - and it's getting me NOWHERE.
This escalated quickly, but I'm incredibly frustrated. I'm seeing tons of great single Christian women in their 30s and unless God makes some men rain down on earth, I'm not seeing how the prayers of all these women for a good quality Christian man is going to be answered.
So God, there needs to be a MIRACLE. An actual miracle that defies numbers and statistics. Either I keep believing that God will deliver this miracle, or my principles need to change. Or I become a nun and get a hysterectomy. TBD.
Monday, September 12, 2016
I hate these dreams I'm getting.
It's been three years:
Three years since our story ended
Three years since you left me wondering
Three years since my nighttime tortures would begin.
They promised me, time would heal all
Time will heal all.
Has it?
My daytime mind wrestles with my heart - convincing, rationalizing, analyzing.
Silences it.
My mind doesn't do this out of anger or spite, but simply to hold myself in one piece.
I'm very thankful towards it for being strong, intelligent, and resilient.
However, when night comes and exhaustion from the daily battles take over,
This is when my heart is finally freed from the cages of reason and rationale
Leaving me completely vulnerable as I sleep.
They proceed to take revenge and torture me for letting my mind take control.
So, I dreamt of you last night
Yet again.
Watched you marry her, as I know your time for that is near.
I wanted to escape, but was trapped inside this horrible narrative woven between reality and imagination.
See, my dreams of you now are from a distance.
I no longer speak to you, but watch as a terrible story unfolds.
You are no longer part of my reality, but a memory;
And a figment of my imagination.
Because everyone knows that you cannot talk to the dead.
What's worse though?
A reality where you can try to reason,
A reality where you can try to reason,
Or a memory, where no one, not even my own brain, can get you away from me?
What can I do though?
It's been three years.
But still I am sad and tired and utterly powerless towards you.
But still I am sad and tired and utterly powerless towards you.
My mind knows that you will never speak to me again,
That mistakes were made that can never be taken back,
That we are different people.
But then my damned stupid, irrational, careless heart
Every time it gets the chance
Fires at my poor, rationalizing mind and unexpectedly grips my soul.
It makes me believe I still love you.
I can't hate it though, because the thing about hearts is,
They can't live within the chains of reason and logic.
They thrive on giving love and being loved.
But what my heart just doesn't understand is that loving the wrong person without being loved in return
It just produces poisonous fumes that slowly burn my entire being.
So what's worse?
Chaining my heart till it's weakened to a barely fluttering pulse,
Chaining my heart till it's weakened to a barely fluttering pulse,
or letting it ravage my soul?
I just know that I can't keep this up - this slow poison and purging of my soul.
Since when did love become a disease?
Friday, August 26, 2016
How to have a heartbreak
Girl, your heart is in the process of breaking.
Last night when you spoke to me, I heard the pain in your breaking voice as you told me,
"It just hurts so much."
I looked at you and said, "I know exactly how you feel," and meant it.
Truly, deeply meant it.
I may not be much older, but experience has made me wiser.
"But they say it's better to have love and lost, than to never have loved at all."
Yes and no.
It's true that you will never be the same
But you must first shatter.
Band aids are for scratches and cuts.
You however, you're being ripped from limb to limb.
Slowly Dismembered.
Falling apart.
So what are you doing?
Wrapping yourself in bandages with each tear?
Patching your wounds till they fester?
Until you become a Frankenstein-like creature?
I know I'm being harsh.
Believe me, I could have cried with you.
I know what it's like to be built up, then torn
Again
And again.
So just let yourself break,
Because here's the paradox:
Can you say you really loved if you don't feel the pain of loss?
Can you say he ever had a part of you, if you keep holding on to it?
So just let him have it.
Let him rip those parts out,
Don't be stingy, give him all of it.
Once you're left with a gaping hole,
Douse it in tears
Cauterize it with whatever fire is left in your soul
Stitch it up with with steel reinforcements.
And let the healing begin.
Last night when you spoke to me, I heard the pain in your breaking voice as you told me,
"It just hurts so much."
I looked at you and said, "I know exactly how you feel," and meant it.
Truly, deeply meant it.
I may not be much older, but experience has made me wiser.
"But they say it's better to have love and lost, than to never have loved at all."
Yes and no.
It's true that you will never be the same
But you must first shatter.
Band aids are for scratches and cuts.
You however, you're being ripped from limb to limb.
Slowly Dismembered.
Falling apart.
So what are you doing?
Wrapping yourself in bandages with each tear?
Patching your wounds till they fester?
Until you become a Frankenstein-like creature?
I know I'm being harsh.
Believe me, I could have cried with you.
I know what it's like to be built up, then torn
Again
And again.
So just let yourself break,
Because here's the paradox:
Can you say you really loved if you don't feel the pain of loss?
Can you say he ever had a part of you, if you keep holding on to it?
So just let him have it.
Let him rip those parts out,
Don't be stingy, give him all of it.
Once you're left with a gaping hole,
Douse it in tears
Cauterize it with whatever fire is left in your soul
Stitch it up with with steel reinforcements.
And let the healing begin.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
The Itch
I got bit pretty aggressively by mosquitoes this past weekend on my leg
My leg itches a lot
The type of itch where if you don't touch it, you're still reminded it's there.
But if you scratch, it is infuriatingly satisfying and unsatisfying at the same time,
and in the end your skin will break open.
You ask me out for coffee, and I say I don't like coffee
How about tea then?
Your body is perfection. You take great care, and it shows.
You text me first, and tell me you enjoyed our conversations
I've been alone for some time now, two years
I can tell from the way you looked at me, you want me
Looked at my curves in my bathing suit, and tried to make an impression
Found you online
Your unique name and profession made it easy
I see on Instagram you like girls and beauty
Amused, I could play this game...
But better not to scratch, it's just a small, nagging itch anyway.
My leg itches a lot
The type of itch where if you don't touch it, you're still reminded it's there.
But if you scratch, it is infuriatingly satisfying and unsatisfying at the same time,
and in the end your skin will break open.
You ask me out for coffee, and I say I don't like coffee
How about tea then?
Your body is perfection. You take great care, and it shows.
You text me first, and tell me you enjoyed our conversations
I've been alone for some time now, two years
I can tell from the way you looked at me, you want me
Looked at my curves in my bathing suit, and tried to make an impression
Found you online
Your unique name and profession made it easy
I see on Instagram you like girls and beauty
Amused, I could play this game...
But better not to scratch, it's just a small, nagging itch anyway.
Purpose of this blog
Dear imaginary reader,
I've decided to start another blog for what feels like the fourth chapter of my life. I know, I'm young, only 25. But who's to say a lot doesn't happen in 25 years? If we aren't constantly observing and learning, what is the point of having a higher conscientiousness? I've always felt that recording thoughts is a useful process, and introspection is important for people to grow and evolve, even if it's not consistent. But when inspired to write (or type), why not?
So the first part of my life was childhood, where I kept a diary until one day my mother read a page where I remember it saying "I really don't like my mom sometimes. She thinks she's the queen of the world." As opposed to feeling bad or wondering why I'd feel this way, she calls me into the room and proceeds to tell me everything wrong with me. As a child, I believe I felt ashamed and scared, and was too scared to keep a diary after that.
Some years later in high school I started a Xanga account (unfortunately that website has gone somewhat defunct). This was a somewhat shallow blog, mostly a very preliminary form of social media. Nevertheless, a good place to vent about daily high school woes and have friends give comments and "eprops". Ahh...those were the good old terrible days. Sometime towards the end of high school and beginning of college though, Xanga began to fade as studies and life got in the way.
The third part was where I met my "first love"in college and for the first time felt someone care about me. Then that went to shit. After breaking up, I started a Blogger to write my feelings out, try to sort out my thoughts and record how I'd shed my former shell. However, I decided to make it private today since it contains many extremely personal things.
This brings me to this blog. I'm at the point in life now where I want to sort out my life. Since my last blog post in 2014, I've moved out of home, gone up the ranks in my career, sorted out a lot of muck with my relationship with my mother, and most importantly, reinstated my relationship with God.
It's a bit unsettling, since my entire life until recently has been chaotic. I've always had strong emotions and feelings of things. A lot of sadness and anger - yes - but happiness and glee as well. Lots of ups and downs. I'm pretty sure this was a result of a combination of my natural personality and life circumstances, but looking back, it seems like a whirlwind.
For the past year, life has been relatively calm, and I've had a lot of time to think. So, I've decided it's time to gather my thoughts concisely and write them out again. At least before the next stage in life.
I've decided to start another blog for what feels like the fourth chapter of my life. I know, I'm young, only 25. But who's to say a lot doesn't happen in 25 years? If we aren't constantly observing and learning, what is the point of having a higher conscientiousness? I've always felt that recording thoughts is a useful process, and introspection is important for people to grow and evolve, even if it's not consistent. But when inspired to write (or type), why not?
So the first part of my life was childhood, where I kept a diary until one day my mother read a page where I remember it saying "I really don't like my mom sometimes. She thinks she's the queen of the world." As opposed to feeling bad or wondering why I'd feel this way, she calls me into the room and proceeds to tell me everything wrong with me. As a child, I believe I felt ashamed and scared, and was too scared to keep a diary after that.
Some years later in high school I started a Xanga account (unfortunately that website has gone somewhat defunct). This was a somewhat shallow blog, mostly a very preliminary form of social media. Nevertheless, a good place to vent about daily high school woes and have friends give comments and "eprops". Ahh...those were the good old terrible days. Sometime towards the end of high school and beginning of college though, Xanga began to fade as studies and life got in the way.
The third part was where I met my "first love"in college and for the first time felt someone care about me. Then that went to shit. After breaking up, I started a Blogger to write my feelings out, try to sort out my thoughts and record how I'd shed my former shell. However, I decided to make it private today since it contains many extremely personal things.
This brings me to this blog. I'm at the point in life now where I want to sort out my life. Since my last blog post in 2014, I've moved out of home, gone up the ranks in my career, sorted out a lot of muck with my relationship with my mother, and most importantly, reinstated my relationship with God.
It's a bit unsettling, since my entire life until recently has been chaotic. I've always had strong emotions and feelings of things. A lot of sadness and anger - yes - but happiness and glee as well. Lots of ups and downs. I'm pretty sure this was a result of a combination of my natural personality and life circumstances, but looking back, it seems like a whirlwind.
For the past year, life has been relatively calm, and I've had a lot of time to think. So, I've decided it's time to gather my thoughts concisely and write them out again. At least before the next stage in life.
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