Time to call a spade a spade. I've suspected my mother to be abusive for a long time, but I was never sure whether I was truly as awful as my parents told me, or if my mother was actually the one being a bitch to me.
Another part of me that didn't want to say this is that I hate being a victim. I hate the fact that someone like her is able to get a strong emotional reaction out of me. I hate that after all these years of building walls and damaging several relationships throughout the years, that this woman still has the ability to make me cry.
Third, nobody believes me. This is probably the worst part of the whole thing. I've always truly felt that me and my father never deserved the BS we've put up with my mother for years. But the terrible thing is, whenever I try to talk to someone about it, ALMOST EVERYONE does the exact same thing my mother does - tells me that I'm the one being terrible and that I shouldn't think of my mother that way.
I'm always the one who turns out to be a heartless monster. Like I've said before, I've built up so many walls that it's difficult for me to show empathy and really care at all anymore. This just further solidifies in people's heads that I'm being an ungrateful daughter. It's unbelievable. I'm sure that people in church have witnessed this. I remember Auntie Roxanne telling me she still doesn't understand why my father married my mother. Well, now that she's gone my mom can't retaliate against her in any way if she ever finds out that's how she felt.
I feel trapped. I know that I need to distance myself from her, and that there's no rationalizing with her, but at the same time I care about my brother and father. What a fucked up situation.
The question that always haunts me: would it have been better for my father to leave this abusive woman? Or divorce? What about for my brother with autism?
As an adult, I can now escape whenever I want. I'm financially independent and no longer need them. But what frustrates me more is that my dad is still there! Most of my friends probably grew up without a father there, but mine has always been there...to his own detriment. I can handle the toxic words being thrown at me, but it hurts when they're thrown at my father.
Then, I end up getting angry at him for never defending himself or me. Why didn't he ever defend ME at least? As a child, I didn't deserve to get dragged by my hair around the house for not wanting to practice the piano. Or getting locked out crying in the freezing snow for getting a negative report card comment. Or getting scalding hot oatmeal poured on me for not wanting to eat. Getting hangers and sticks broken on me for God knows what reason. Not to mention countless beatings that I can't even remember because they've been blocked out of my memory.
The physical part is not even the worst part. He heard my mother tell me I'm useless and spoiled and a bad child. Today he fucking told me that I'm "too sensitive" - the exact phrase my mom used on me whenever she'd say some fucked up thing to me and expect me to smile and be ok with it.
How is he so smart but so blind to all this? Can I just walk away from my mother - and him by association - and let him spiral into a spineless version of her?
This is why I can't maintain normal relationships and why I'm so damn walled off. People think I'm fun and funny but I'm just a sociopath that can't relate to people unless they're fucked up like me.
God, how can you help me out of this?
Oh, people have suggested forgiving. Ok, did that. Did it the 100 subsequent times she's been terrible. But somehow she finds a way to manipulate me. Things were going alright for a while, but lately she's been getting money from me. Maybe...$40,000 so far?
That's fine. I'm happy to help out with expenses & business ventures, if she didn't try to make it because it's like I fucking owe them something. I don't get a chance to be nice because she'll take from me before I'm even able to do that.
Case in point: My parents get all this government aid money to find someone to take care of my brother. My mom hired 3 people - 2 quit, and one was fired. She says it's "because people don't want to be with Justin because he runs and he's too much of a liability," or "young people only care about themselves and their own schedules." SO, she enlists one of her friends, my father, and me. Of course, all people around her she can control and manipulate.
I'm totally resistant at first because as the past has gone, if I'm under her she'd just find ways to control/manipulate me. I told her I'd take care of my brother for free - anytime she wants - I want her to use the money to find someone else to help. She starts with all this crap. "Family has the best interests in mind, no one else has the best interests." "Do you know how much we pay in taxes? We're just getting the money back" "Other siblings and parents do this as well - it's because the government can't manage the money well." Of course, I also get a berating of how selfish and how much I don't want to help the family and how unbelievably ungrateful I am. I know it's not true, but it gets to me, and of course I sign up because I want to help my brother.
So I'm an official on-the-books habilitator now, and I've logged a few hours. Today she tells me - "Christine, venmo me the money you're making with Justin so I can pay for all our expenses." I tell her that I knew she was just using me to get more money, and that I have no problem giving it to her but I knew it was about the money all this time. I'm not a fucking human money launderer for God's sakes... Of course she goes ape shit and starts non-stop telling me how I'm useless, all I do is make a mess, never clean, never help, I'm selfish, ungrateful, etc. She had the balls to call me a bully. HA - her and Trump would make quite the team.
She never intends to let go of control of my brother. She now uses him as a way of getting income. She wants my dad to retire 3 years early to be my brother's full-time caretaker so they can start getting double the medicare for my brother.
The other part that messes with me is - my dad ALWAYS agrees with her. ALWAYS. And I was telling my community group accountability person Dawoun about this, and she said it seemed like a smart thing for her to do. Am I the only one who sees this as a fucked up situation?
The reason I can't talk about all this is because it's honestly emotionally exhausting thinking about all this mindfuckery.
I don't know what the fuck to do. How can you do the right thing when you don't know what the right thing is? When you've been manipulated to be the "bad guy" all these years, is anything you do enough?
It sucks because no one understands. God understands, but he's completely invisible and metaphysical, which sort of doesn't help when you're feeling alone. The only people who really care are guys who are interested (of course) and even then..what's the point in telling them? I don't actually like any.
I'm exhausted from thinking about all this. I just feel so alone.
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