I hate these dreams I'm getting.

It's been three years:

Three years since our story ended

Three years since you left me wondering

Three years since my nighttime tortures would begin.

They promised me, time would heal all

Time will heal all.

Has it?

My daytime mind wrestles with my heart - convincing, rationalizing, analyzing.

Silences it.

My mind doesn't do this out of anger or spite, but simply to hold myself in one piece.

I'm very thankful towards it for being strong, intelligent, and resilient.

However, when night comes and exhaustion from the daily battles take over,

This is when my heart is finally freed from the cages of reason and rationale

Leaving me completely vulnerable as I sleep.

They proceed to take revenge and torture me for letting my mind take control.

So, I dreamt of you last night

Yet again.

Watched you marry her, as I know your time for that is near.

I wanted to escape, but was trapped inside this horrible narrative woven between reality and imagination.

See, my dreams of you now are from a distance.

I no longer speak to you, but watch as a terrible story unfolds.

You are no longer part of my reality, but a memory;

And a figment of my imagination.

Because everyone knows that you cannot talk to the dead.

What's worse though?
A reality where you can try to reason,

Or a memory, where no one, not even my own brain, can get you away from me?

What can I do though?

It's been three years.
But still I am sad and tired and utterly powerless towards you.

My mind knows that you will never speak to me again,

That mistakes were made that can never be taken back,

That we are different people.

But then my damned stupid, irrational, careless heart

Every time it gets the chance

Fires at my poor, rationalizing mind and unexpectedly grips my soul.

It makes me believe I still love you. 

I can't hate it though, because the thing about hearts is,

They can't live within the chains of reason and logic.

They thrive on giving love and being loved.

But what my heart just doesn't understand is that loving the wrong person without being loved in return

It just produces poisonous fumes that slowly burn my entire being.

So what's worse?
Chaining my heart till it's weakened to a barely fluttering pulse,

or letting it ravage my soul?

I just know that I can't keep this up - this slow poison and purging of my soul.

Since when did love become a disease?