It's 2017.
Lately, I feel like time has been going by a lot faster than ever before. I think it's because I'm getting older, and have so much more responsibility than before, and just so much to juggle that time just flies by.
Oddly though, even though I feel older, I'm not sure I know more or less than before. I feel like as a 25 year old turning 26, there's still so much in life that I am unsure of. Maybe this is good - since one should never stop learning, right? On the other hand though, I just...don't really know who I am anymore. Not that I'm sure I ever did know for sure.
I do know that people constantly change. That is the one thing I am sure of in life. (Unless you live in a hole somewhere and never experience anything, but even living in a hole would change you right?)
I'm a totally different person than I was 5 years ago, and the person I was 5 years ago was totally different than the me from 10 years ago, etc.
However, there are some principles that I think have always been a part of my core, no matter what phase I'm going through in life. For example, the fact that there is a God out there. Or the fact that it's better to be real and honest than to be a fake person. These are tenets and principles that I think define who I am as a person, and make me grounded and who I am as a person.
There's something lately though, that I've really been wanting to establish the answer to as I get older - What does it mean to be a woman in today's world?
It should be a simple question right? But no, in 2017 EVERYTHING is complicated and there is no straight or "right" answer for anything. In a world of feminism, and transgenderism, and gender fluidity, WHATEVER, it's a tough question. I think it's important though, because there are so many implications to this - at least for me - in helping to establish who I am as a woman, and what type of woman I want to be.
It's no secret that my relationship with my mother has been majorly fucked up and has majorly fucked me up. I mean, a lot of people I know have fucked up relationships with their mothers, but it was only until a few months ago I think that I realized that some people actually don't. I've also been realizing that all my life I've been attracting/attracted to friends with equally effed up family lives as me, but that's another topic.
So, not to hold grudges or be dramatic, but I'm pretty sure having your mom drag you outside the house by your hair and leaving you in the snow until you decide to be good or pouring scalding hot oatmeal all over you because you didn't feel like eating it, reading your diary about how you thought she thought she was queen of the world and then making you feel like crap for thinking that way, or throwing a fucking knife at you isn't normal. I'm pretty sure that stuff was all fine, but the emotional manipulation and being told you're basically terrible every day was probably worse.
I mean, this isn't normal, right? I've told a few people these things, and for some reason no one seemed phased by it at all. I mean, I don't expect pity or anything, but someone saying "damn that's fucked up" would at least acknowledge the fact that I'm not crazy for the fact that these things fucked me up. The thing that fucks me up the most, is that I remember clearly after getting a beating, she'd say she did those things out of love. And I remember people telling me my mom clearly loves me a lot since she did SO many things for me. I guess what they didn't know is that she'd use them as a guilt trip over me to make me do what she wanted.
On top of this, watching what my dad is turning into after being with her all these years...that REALLY fucks me up. He's a gifted speaker and I think has helped a lot of people. He's one of the most intelligent and best people I know. I mean, the man is really clueless and is very eccentric, and eats way too much unhealthy stuff for his own good. But man, to get put down and demeaned the way he is every single damn day and not want to leave, even with my mom talking about a fucking divorce for the past 15 years...
One of the things I love about my dad is that he's such a rock, and bases all his beliefs on God. But at the same time, he never fucking stood up for me when my mom was a bitch to me all these years, and never stood up for himself. To be honest though, I don't know what standing up for himself would look like without a divorce.
Even through all this shit though, I thought my mom had changed for the better over the past few years. But then last week, she literally tried manipulating me into signing up as my brother's aid so I could get paid from the government for just spending regular time with him/my family. Not to mention I lent her another fucking $25k for her stupid little real estate gig. I wouldn't mind except I trust her so little. If I get upset or show that I don't want to do something, she pulls the shit on me where she says she's done so much and given me soooooo much in my life and I'm an ungrateful wretch. Typical emotionally manipulative shit. I never asked for all the fucking lessons - I'm pretty sure those are things she wanted me to do so she could try to show me off somehow. Yet the stuff she says still gets me every single fucking time.
Whether I'm being too sensitive to all this or not, regardless it's fucked up my view on women. For most of my life, I've been kind of a hardass. Even though it was the last thing I wanted, I had taken on the habits of my mom: I've been a bipolar, angry, emotionally strung out crazy person, I've been manipulative, and I've been narcissistic and loved being the center of attention.
However, as known, this reallllly fucked up my relationship with my ex, someone I really actually cared about. I don't think he meant to, but he did me a favor by cutting off my crazy ass and breaking my heart. So after that and for the past few years I think, I've tried to become more "nice." I hate typing this, but I want to be the type of woman who can be a good Christian wifey. I try to smile, make more lady friends, stop running my mouth so much, being softer...I don't know if I'm successful at it, I'm pretty sure I'm still very cracked beneath the surface, but I'm trying.
And I thought it was working. Until the other day at the office, this female exec director basically unfairly criticizes me and remarks out loud "I don't know what you've been doing all this time" so the whole office can hear. My coworker attempts to comfort me by telling me "so Christine, you're really sweet and everything, but you have to know that ____ is used to being in the investment world with all the guys. Like, we can talk like that to each other, but we would never say something like that to you. I mean, you're not quiet, but you're more reserved, and she's just used to being like that." Or something along those lines that made me think, "seriously? You fucking serious?"
So I'm basically in a catch-22. A damned if I do, damned if I don't situation.
I mean, I'm proud that even though I felt like going full fury at work, I kept my cool. Seriously, thank you God, for that. However, I want people to take me seriously. I literally get talked over ALL the time. Maybe that means I should stop baking shit for the office, apologizing for when I think I sound rude, smiling and saying good morning. Maybe I should become a more serious person, even though I don't give two craps about the corporate world. Lord knows I'm smart enough for this job, but dealing with the egos is ridiculous for me.
I don't know how I'm supposed to act or what is even expected of me as a woman. And as obvious as it sounds, being a woman is a HUGE part of me. I feel like I don't know who I am nowadays.
After writing all this, maybe I just need to find out who the real me is. But what if the real me is just a product of a lot of fucked up experiences in life? The Christian answer is that the real me is someone who's loved by Jesus.
But I guess on days when I'm not feeling loved it's difficult.
I guess it's a product of me feeling very alone these days. I don't think I enjoy gabbing or am not a "nice" enough person to feel like I can develop deep, meaningful relationships with other Christian women. I feel like I can't relate to them, or have different perspective/interests a lot of times. For example, a big point of contention is I think is deep down inside I'm not a feminist, and I think women behave very differently from men, and if they wanted all the same things, they'd need to start behaving differently, which I don't know if it's a good thing.
At the same time, I don't know how I'm supposed to act around men anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone/be hurt again, so I'm not sure if I can be close friends with them anymore because feelings almost always inevitably develop, and I can't reciprocate. In the same vein, I still don't think I've met a man could see myself being with, and I don't know if I'm being enough of the "right type" of woman to attract someone like what I want.
I suppose the best answer that I can give to what being a woman means is wearing different faces and being it ALL. Being pretty, soft, happy and cheery, giving, supportive, strong, goal-oriented, boss, high-achieving.
Most of all though, I think being a woman means being able to take in a lot of shit and yet produce brilliant diamonds out of it all.
