Anyway, it's 2017. Another new year, another beginning. As usual, life is never boring. I just came back from South Africa, and got my new position at JP Morgan Chase. All great things that I feel very blessed and happy about. However, being myself, I'm most inspired by a feeling I don't think I've ever felt before, and the only word I can think of for it is lovesickness.
It's absolutely ridiculous. I feel ridiculous.
Here's the story: Christina Bae, my crazy college roommate whose wedding I went to in Korea last summer, came up to New York because she needed a break from her husband and just wanted to go dancing. I invite out a few girls, and Angie, my new roommate, suggests the Jane in Meatpacking.
OK, so we go to the Jane. Great place: huge space that looks like some sort of mashup of a 16th century living room and a rustic lodge. Fun, young crowd, good mix of music. My friends and I all look pretty, and we're going nuts just dancing and having a good time.
Like in most clubs, a guy asks me to dance with him. He seems cute and tall, with some sort of hot foreign accent, and I'm extremely single, so I agree. Well, turns out he's a horrible dancer so I try to break away. But as I do so, he asks me what I'm drinking. Of course, I'm an incredibly difficult and guarded person so this is how the convo goes down:
"Nothing...I'm not drinking anything."
"What?"
"Nothing. I'm not drinking tonight."
Somehow he convinces me to have a drink at his table. I notice that he's really cute. We have some awkward conversation - typical things, where are you from, what do you do, etc. I find out the accent is from Israel, and he's an e-commerce optimization entrepreneur. He travels, and went to the best school in Canada. He's been to Australia/Adelaide and says we should go together one day. Ha...
He keeps wanting to dance but is an honestly irredeemably bad dancer, so I break away to my friends. Throughout the night, he keeps asking me to dance. At one point, he starts throwing ice cubes at me to get my attention. I'm the type of gal who likes the playful persistence, and it makes me smile.
He brings me up to dance on the tables, and I'm not shy so I do so. He gives off vibes of extreme confidence, but at the same time is completely not smooth. From the bad dancing to saying the complete wrong things like "you might be the girl I marry"and just having not great English, and bumping into my forehead when trying to lean in to talk to me.
I go back to my friends so I can continue dancing by myself which is just more comfortable. He asks for my facebook, and I say:
"Facebook? Do people just skip the number part nowadays?"
"Facebook? Do people just skip the number part nowadays?"
"Oh, you want to take it slow? OK, what's your number?"
Well, wasn't sure what that was implying but...I gave the guy my number. He actually remembers my name, and I don't remember his. Oops. I'm reminded, and we dance a bit more, and he tells me I'm cute.
"Aww thanks. You're cute too"
"No but you're really cute"
"I know, ha"
I can't do the bad dancing anymore though, and am tired and still just really guarded in general so part ways with him.
This encounter spanned from about 1AM to 3AM. The more I think about him, the more I really like him.
I get a text around 4:30AM while I'm sleeping saying "Hey".
Sigh, REALLY? What's with guys just opening with a "Hey"??
That morning, I stalk him online. I'm...impressed to say the least. He really is cute, even not in the shroud of the darkness of the club. Impressive resume, and seems like an extremely worldly and rounded person.
I continue the texts. I really hate texting in general, but the vibes I get from the texts he sends I feel a bit like a booty call and he doesn't give me much to work off in terms of conversation. Two people who read the text agreed. And the final text he sent that I haven't responded to says that he doesn't exactly live in NY, and goes between here and Tel Aviv. So...the scale leans strongly towards him seeing me as a hookup. I'm very confused.
Lord knows why though, I get a SERIOUS case of the butterflies thinking about him. Haven't been able to sleep well either. I'm hoping he sends another text...just so I have an excuse to respond.
I think I'm feeling something I haven't felt before...which is strong admiration. This combined with the fact that he's confident, giving me attention, and obvious physical attraction, really makes a girl start thinking about the future...and that he'd be a great partner in crime. Call me crazy, but I feel like he's someone I could love, and this isn't including sex (even though when I was dancing with him it felt rather, um, large ;)) Maybe I'm getting older and more mature, but I haven't even fantasized about having sex with him but still really like him.
It really sucks thinking that he may not feel the same way about me. That it's only about wanting me for my hot body (lol). Funny how two people can be attracted to each other but on different levels and for different reasons.
Angie tells me that I could make that change...However, the fact that it is extremely unlikely that he's a Christian is really preventing me from being anything more than passive. This is obviously very important to me, but the whole topic is for another day...
My body has felt numb from heartbreak before, but this is different. I guess it's numb from wanting something really badly. Knowing your personality potentially really meshes with someone else's.
I know I'll be over this in about a week (hopefully), but I just wanted to capture this feeling in words before it fades. It's very intense, and I don't know if I've ever felt this way before. If I have though, it's very distant and I've forgotten. This feeling sucks, but at the same time nice to know I'm capable of feeling something like this.
For the past several years it's been about Jeff and thinking about the past. But this would knock him out of my mind completely. This would've been about the future, potential, and being excited to start things with a person I admire. It wouldn't be about the previous guys who try to fit into my world, but about me actually wanting to fit into and being a part of someone else's world.
But...he's probably not a Christian and probably likes me as a hookup. Sigh. The disappointment is real and I really hope I'm making the right moves doing this.
Honestly, this moment - combined with many other frustrating moments- is making me really doubt my beliefs. I'm a person who lives by guiding principles, and I believe that without principles one is just a spineless shell of a person. However, I'm not inflexible and believe that sometimes principles can be misinformed and once in a while can be changed.
I don't know anymore. I feel like I'm being tested. Maybe it was my fault for putting myself in this situation in the first place and I just shouldn't talk to non-Christian men anymore?!
All I'm saying is, I REALLY hope God has a good plan for me. Because there are many great non-Christian men out there who have been interested, and so far ZERO Christian men who have asked me out. Not even that, I don't even KNOW of any that are relationship quality. I've gone to a Christian college, go to church every Sunday, am trying to have an active church life, and so far, NOTHING. NADA. ZIP.
I feel like I'm following the "rules" - "do not be unequally yoked" - and it's getting me NOWHERE.
This escalated quickly, but I'm incredibly frustrated. I'm seeing tons of great single Christian women in their 30s and unless God makes some men rain down on earth, I'm not seeing how the prayers of all these women for a good quality Christian man is going to be answered.
So God, there needs to be a MIRACLE. An actual miracle that defies numbers and statistics. Either I keep believing that God will deliver this miracle, or my principles need to change. Or I become a nun and get a hysterectomy. TBD.
