How to have a heartbreak

Girl, your heart is in the process of breaking.
Last night when you spoke to me, I heard the pain in your breaking voice as you told me,
"It just hurts so much."

I looked at you and said, "I know exactly how you feel," and meant it.
Truly, deeply meant it.
I may not be much older, but experience has made me wiser.

"But they say it's better to have love and lost, than to never have loved at all."
Yes and no.
It's true that you will never be the same
But you must first shatter.

Band aids are for scratches and cuts.
You however, you're being ripped from limb to limb.
Slowly Dismembered.
Falling apart.

So what are you doing?
Wrapping yourself in bandages with each tear?
Patching your wounds till they fester?
Until you become a Frankenstein-like creature?

I know I'm being harsh.
Believe me, I could have cried with you.
I know what it's like to be built up, then torn
Again
And again.

So just let yourself break,
Because here's the paradox:
Can you say you really loved if you don't feel the pain of loss?
Can you say he ever had a part of you, if you keep holding on to it?

So just let him have it.
Let him rip those parts out,
Don't be stingy, give him all of it.

Once you're left with a gaping hole,
Douse it in tears
Cauterize it with whatever fire is left in your soul
Stitch it up with with steel reinforcements.

And let the healing begin.

The Itch

I got bit pretty aggressively by mosquitoes this past weekend on my leg
My leg itches a lot
The type of itch where if you don't touch it, you're still reminded it's there.
But if you scratch, it is infuriatingly satisfying and unsatisfying at the same time,
and in the end your skin will break open.

You ask me out for coffee, and I say I don't like coffee
How about tea then?
Your body is perfection. You take great care, and it shows.
You text me first, and tell me you enjoyed our conversations
I've been alone for some time now, two years
I can tell from the way you looked at me, you want me
Looked at my curves in my bathing suit, and tried to make an impression

Found you online
Your unique name and profession made it easy
I see on Instagram you like girls and beauty
Amused, I could play this game...

But better not to scratch, it's just a small, nagging itch anyway.

Purpose of this blog

Dear imaginary reader,

I've decided to start another blog for what feels like the fourth chapter of my life. I know, I'm young, only 25. But who's to say a lot doesn't happen in 25 years? If we aren't constantly observing and learning, what is the point of having a higher conscientiousness? I've always felt that recording thoughts is a useful process, and introspection is important for people to grow and evolve, even if it's not consistent. But when inspired to write (or type), why not?

So the first part of my life was childhood, where I kept a diary until one day my mother read a page where I remember it saying "I really don't like my mom sometimes. She thinks she's the queen of the world." As opposed to feeling bad or wondering why I'd feel this way, she calls me into the room and proceeds to tell me everything wrong with me. As a child, I believe I felt ashamed and scared, and was too scared to keep a diary after that.

Some years later in high school I started a Xanga account (unfortunately that website has gone somewhat defunct). This was a somewhat shallow blog, mostly a very preliminary form of social media. Nevertheless, a good place to vent about daily high school woes and have friends give comments and "eprops". Ahh...those were the good old terrible days. Sometime towards the end of high school and beginning of college though, Xanga began to fade as studies and life got in the way.

The third part was where I met my "first love"in college and for the first time felt someone care about me. Then that went to shit. After breaking up, I started a Blogger to write my feelings out, try to sort out my thoughts and record how I'd shed my former shell. However, I decided to make it private today since it contains many extremely personal things.

This brings me to this blog. I'm at the point in life now where I want to sort out my life. Since my last blog post in 2014, I've moved out of home, gone up the ranks in my career, sorted out a lot of muck with my relationship with my mother, and most importantly, reinstated my relationship with God.

It's a bit unsettling, since my entire life until recently has been chaotic. I've always had strong emotions and feelings of things. A lot of sadness and anger - yes - but happiness and glee as well. Lots of ups and downs. I'm pretty sure this was a result of a combination of my natural personality and life circumstances, but looking back, it seems like a whirlwind.

For the past year, life has been relatively calm, and I've had a lot of time to think. So, I've decided it's time to gather my thoughts concisely and write them out again. At least before the next stage in life.